The Art of Thoughtful Alienation: Why You Don’t Need Everyone to “Get” You
“How do I create content that feels 100% me, without my high school crush from 1998 rolling their eyes?” If I could answer one question for good—just one—it would be this:
“How do I do [X] without alienating this person or that group?”
I’ve heard variations of it everywhere:
How do I create content that feels authentic without alienating followers?
How do I teach my yoga class this way without alienating students?
How do I bring this up at work without alienating colleagues?
Most people don’t even say it out loud—they just think it. They hold back, afraid to be too bold, too specific, or too different, worried they’ll push people away by being direct. Meanwhile, they keep posting polite ‘soft takes’ that no one remembers 20 seconds later. Not because they’re bad—but because they’re so desperate not to offend, they end up saying nothing at all.
Asking “how do I X without alienating Y?” is the creative person’s version of asking, ‘How do I make an omelet without breaking any eggs?’ The answer? You can’t. Omelets require broken eggs—and clarity requires the courage to crack a few.
But here’s the good news: breaking a few eggs doesn’t mean burning bridges. Done thoughtfully, alienation isn’t a failure—it’s a tool for clarity and connection.
What Is Alienation, Really?
I’ve had countless conversations with people who worry that being too direct or specific will push others away. And they’re not wrong—alienation can feel personal, like rejection or even abandonment. It’s easy to assume alienation is obvious—“If I say something people don’t like, they’ll leave, right?”—but more often, it’s subtle.
At its core, alienation is the fear of being misunderstood, judged, or excluded. It’s that sting of realizing someone might disengage or decide you’re “too much.” Imagine posting a deeply personal stance on social media, only to have a close friend unfollow you with a curt message: “I can’t support this.” Suddenly, it’s not just a disagreement—it feels like a fracture in a relationship you counted on. You’re left wondering if you’ve lost them for good over a single post.
Side note: my absolute favorite is when I ask a client what’s holding them back from posting, and it turns out they’re worried about—get this—the cousin they haven’t spoken to in 17 years stumbling across their Facebook post or a high school crush they exchanged three sentences with in 1998. Because obviously those are the opinions you should curate your entire creative output around… naturally.
This fear isn’t limited to social media—it creeps into every corner of life:
In content creation: Worrying your audience will bail if your work feels “too niche.” (“Is this too weird? Too specific? Is this the post where everyone collectively decides I’m unbearable?”)
In the workplace: Fearing colleagues will dismiss your ideas if they seem too unconventional. (“Should I really suggest this, or should I just nod along and hope Janice from accounting doesn’t call me ‘a lot’ again?”)
In personal relationships: Worrying that friends or family might feel excluded or offended. (“If I’m honest about what I really think, will Aunt Linda still invite me to Thanksgiving?”)
Beneath these surface anxieties lies a deeper, more vulnerable question:
“If I’m too bold, too different, or too specific, will I lose people? Will I risk opportunities, relationships—or my sense of belonging?”
But here’s the thing: alienation isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s not just one problem you can solve with a single strategy. It shows up in three distinct ways—and understanding them is the first step to handling it thoughtfully.
The Three Types of Alienation
Unintentional Alienation (Messy, Unclear Work):
This happens when your messaging is inconsistent or confusing, causing people to quietly disengage—not because they disagree, but because they can’t follow your purpose or see the bigger picture. It’s like trying to follow a podcast hosted by someone who refuses to finish a single thought before starting another.
Example: A coach posts random “3 tips” content daily with no overarching framework. Over time, followers lose interest because there’s no cohesive story tying the content together. They’re left thinking, “Is this person my go-to for life advice, or just for random Tuesday hacks? I can’t tell anymore.”
Thoughtful Alienation (Clarity and Alignment):
This occurs when you communicate so clearly and authentically that those who don’t align simply opt out—fully aware of where you stand. Instead of alienation being accidental, it becomes intentional and respectful.
Example: A yoga teacher says, “This class is for advanced practitioners who enjoy an unconventional style—if that’s not you, no worries.”
Why It Works: Thoughtful alienation creates clarity and invites the right people in while politely letting the wrong ones self-select out. It’s the equivalent of saying, “This isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay—because the people who stay? They’re going to love it.”
Performative Alienation (Provocative for the Sake of It):
This is alienation as a strategy—when people adopt intentionally edgy or polarizing stances, not out of genuine conviction, but purely to grab attention or spark outrage. Think: hot takes designed to go “viral”, rather than to say anything meaningful.
Example: Posting inflammatory opinions you don’t actually believe, simply to provoke debate. Like tweeting, “Avocados are overrated, and breakfast is just dessert with eggs,” knowing full well you’re lying.
Why It Backfires: While shock value might temporarily boost engagement, it often erodes trust and damages authentic connections. The people who come for the drama rarely stick around for meaningful insight, and the ones who could’ve genuinely valued your perspective will feel duped when they realize it was all for show.
Thoughtful Alienation is the sweet spot: clarity that may alienate some but resonates deeply with the right people. It’s not about being harsh or shocking—it’s about standing so firmly in your stance that people can easily decide, “Yes, this is for me” or “No, I’ll pass.” It’s like giving them the clarity they need to either subscribe wholeheartedly—or unsubscribe guilt-free. And isn’t that the goal?
The Alienation You’re Already Doing vs. The One You Fear
Most people are terrified of thoughtful alienation—the kind that comes from making a bold, deliberate choice. They imagine teaching a different kind of workout, sharing a raw personal essay, or pivoting their brand, and instantly losing half their audience. Cue panic: “What if everyone hates it and I end up yelling into the void?!”
But here’s the thing: unintentional alienation is often already happening. People quietly slip away because your message, class, or content feels generic, scattered, or just plain forgettable. No bold moves, no dramatic exits—just a slow fade into irrelevance.
Why? Because avoiding a clear stance is just as alienating as taking one—only worse, because it’s invisible. You’re not losing people because they actively disagree with you. You’re losing them because they’re not even sure what you’re about.
Let’s Paint the Picture
Unintentional alienation looks like this:
Your audience sees your post—or your class, or your brand—and thinks, “Huh. I mean, that’s fine, I guess. But…what’s the point?” They don’t get mad. They don’t storm out. They just quietly disappear, taking their trust, engagement, and potential referrals with them.
And the worst part? You often don’t realize it’s happening until it’s too late. One day, you look around and think, “Why isn’t anyone excited about this?”
The Paradox of Playing It Safe
The alienation you fear—the kind where you take a stand, lose some people, and live to tell the tale—is usually far less damaging than the alienation that comes from tiptoeing around everyone.
Why? Because thoughtful alienation is a natural byproduct of clarity and alignment. When you’re clear about what you stand for:
People who don’t resonate leave fully informed (no bad vibes, just “This isn’t for me”).
The ones who do resonate? They stay—and they stay hard. You’re their person now.
On the other hand, unintentional alienation is like a slow leak in your tire. It happens when you try to please everyone, spreading yourself so thin that your message becomes vague and unremarkable. Nobody’s angry—but nobody’s paying attention, either.
The Risk You Should Fear
In short: The alienation you’re so afraid of—the one where you make a bold choice and lose a few people? That’s not the real problem.
The bigger risk is the silent alienation that sneaks in when you avoid taking a clear stance. The one where you wake up one day and realize you’ve been so busy trying to keep everyone happy, you’ve accidentally bored everyone out of the room.
Clarity isn’t the thing to fear—it’s the thing that saves you. Sure, a few people might leave when you show them who you really are. But the ones who stay? They’re the ones who see you and think, “Finally. Someone who gets it.”
From Thoughtful Alienation to Resonance
After reflecting on alienation from so many angles, I started wondering: What’s on the other side of this concept? It can’t be as simple as “attracting” people—what does “attraction” even mean, exactly? The best word I could come up with is resonance—that deep sense of being heard, seen, and understood.
But here’s the twist: alienation and resonance aren’t exact opposites—they’re two sides of the same coin. The fear of alienation is really a fear of pushing people away, but the truth is, you can’t create deep resonance without alienation. Being bold, clear, and specific naturally draws those who align with your perspective while allowing others to move on if it’s not a fit.
And that’s okay, because resonance requires boundaries. It’s not about everyone liking your work; it’s about the right people recognizing that it speaks directly to them. To build that kind of connection, you need thoughtful alienation—a willingness to be so clear and specific that some folks opt out, while the ones who stay lean in hard.
The Polarity of Resonance
Resonance isn’t just about someone liking your work—it’s about them feeling, “This was made for me.” That kind of connection doesn’t happen by accident. It demands clarity, specificity, and boldness. But standing out naturally creates contrast.
This contrast isn’t just inevitable—it’s essential. It’s what makes resonance powerful.
Specificity Creates Boundaries
To resonate deeply, you have to be specific—and specificity inherently excludes those who don’t align with your vision or values.
Example: A career coach who helps introverts thrive in leadership might alienate extroverts—not because extroverts are “wrong,” but because the offering isn’t designed for them. (And honestly, would extroverts even notice? They’re busy thriving in other ways.)
People Bring Their Own Context
Your audience brings their own beliefs and experiences to the table. If your work affirms their worldview, they lean in; if it challenges or contradicts it, they disengage—or even push back. (Cue the mildly annoyed email: “This isn’t for me, and here’s why you’re wrong.”)
The Stronger the Resonance, the Sharper the Contrast
Bold, clear messaging polarizes. The more deeply some people resonate with your work, the more obvious it becomes to others that it’s not for them. And that’s not a flaw—it’s alignment. (Think of it as a filter that saves everyone time.)
Does resonance always create alienation? Not necessarily—but it’s rare.
Broad, feel-good ideas like “Be kind to others” might resonate with many and spark minimal conflict.
Yet even “universal” messages can feel hollow or insufficient to some. For instance, “Kindness without accountability can be enabling,” which may alienate those who see all kindness as inherently good.
The deeper your work connects with the right people, the clearer it becomes to others that it’s not for them—and that’s a feature, not a bug.
The Spectrum of Resonance and Alienation
Resonance and alienation exist on a continuum:
Low Resonance: Broad, generic messages may appeal to many but rarely forge meaningful connections (e.g., “Be kind to others”).
High Resonance: Specific, bold messages deeply connect with some and repel others (e.g., “Kindness means nothing without accountability—stop avoiding hard conversations”).
The Sweet Spot: Clear, thoughtful work resonates deeply with your core audience while giving others permission to opt out gracefully.
Alienation doesn’t have to burn bridges. When handled thoughtfully, it strengthens connections with those who matter and ensures you’re serving the people who truly align with your vision. It’s clarity in action.
How Thoughtful Alienation Feels in Practice
Thoughtful alienation isn’t just about clarity—it’s about navigating the emotional rollercoaster that comes with alignment. Here’s what it often feels like:
It’s Intentional, Not Chaotic: Alienation stops feeling like a random, nasty surprise. Instead, it becomes the natural result of making deliberate choices about who you want to serve. It’s not about being edgy for the sake of it (“look at me, I’m so controversial!”)—it’s about creating clarity that helps people self-select.
It Deepens Connection With the Right People: The ones who stay don’t just like your work—they get it. They feel seen by it. They understand what you stand for, and they’re here because it resonates with them on a deeper level (and not just because your post happened to go viral last week).
It’s Both Relieving and Uncomfortable: There’s freedom in not trying to please everyone. But let’s be honest—it still stings when someone unsubscribes or sends you a ‘This isn’t for me’ DM. Clarity may be worth it, but it doesn’t come with free emotional armor.
The Emotional Side of Alienation
Even when it’s strategic, alienation can feel painfully personal. That unfollow notification? The terse DM that reads, “I’m out”? It doesn’t just sit in your inbox—it camps out in your brain, whispering things like:
“Did I go too far?”
“Should I have softened my stance?”
“What if they’re telling everyone I’ve lost it?”
Next thing you know, it’s 2 a.m. and you’re spiraling, replaying your choices like you’re the star of a courtroom drama where you’re the prosecutor, defense, and judge.
But here’s the thing: that sting? It’s proof you’re being clear enough for people to decide whether they align with your vision. And clarity is always better than vagueness—even if it comes with a side of self-doubt.
Here’s how to navigate it:
Reframe the Discomfort: If someone opts out, it’s proof your message is specific enough for them to decide it’s not for them. That clarity is a signal you’re doing something right.
Focus on Those Who Stay: The ones who remain didn’t just stick around by accident—they’re here because your clarity resonates with them. Instead of chasing those who left, pour your energy into serving the people who “get it.” They’re your people.
Normalize the Feelings: It’s okay to feel uneasy when someone leaves—it means you care. But remember: the sting of alienation fades, while the connection with the right people endures.
The Growth Behind the Sting
Intentional alienation builds resilience. Each time someone opts out for the right reasons, you reinforce alignment with the people who matter most. Over time, this clarity not only strengthens your work—it strengthens you.
Thoughtful Alienation in Action
Now that we’ve explored what thoughtful alienation looks like and why it matters, let’s see it in practice. In these scenarios, clarity might alienate a few people, but it deeply resonates with the right ones—turning fear of rejection into genuine connection.
1. The Deeper Content Pivot
A business coach known for daily “3 Steps” tips decides to move beyond quick hits and start sharing robust frameworks and in-depth essays. She announces the shift openly, explaining why surface-level tips no longer serve her vision, and even invites followers who prefer bite-sized content to unsubscribe.
Result: Instead of alienating the “quick-tip crowd” with disdain, she simply clarifies her new focus. Some followers leave, but those who stay feel validated and eager to engage with her deeper insights. Her audience becomes smaller but more engaged, intensifying her core community.
2. The Memoir That Might Offend
A writer working on a memoir about sensitive family dynamics fears alienating loved ones. She addresses the tension head-on with a transparent disclaimer: “These are my experiences—others in my family may see it differently. That doesn’t invalidate how I felt.”
Result: Some family members may feel uncomfortable revisiting painful history, but the book resonates powerfully with readers who value honesty and vulnerability. By framing the memoir as personal rather than universal, the writer gives those who disagree the space to disengage without conflict.
3. The Creative Yoga Class
A yoga instructor wants to incorporate humor and upbeat music into her practice—knowing full well that some students expect silence and calm. She sets expectations clearly in her class descriptions and social posts, emphasizing the playful, energetic nature of her sessions while offering alternatives for those seeking a more meditative vibe.
Result: Instead of labeling quieter practices as “boring,” she positions her approach as distinct and valid. Those who opt out don’t feel judged—they simply recognize it’s not their style. Meanwhile, the students who stay feel more aligned and excited, forging a stronger bond with the instructor.
4. The Bold Work Proposal
An employee wants to overhaul the team’s workflow in an office resistant to change. He approaches the team candidly: “I know this is a big shift, but I believe it will reduce stress and improve efficiency. Let’s test it on a small scale first.”
Result: Colleagues who see the potential enthusiastically engage, while those who aren’t ready opt out of the trial. Because he frames the proposal as collaborative rather than a top-down mandate, the team feels respected, and trust grows among those who align with the new approach.
5. The Marketing Pivot
A course creator realizes her best work happens with advanced learners. She rewrites her sales page to say: “This program is for experienced folks ready to tackle advanced challenges. If you’re brand-new, check out these beginner resources instead.”
Result: Beginners no longer feel misled or excluded, while advanced learners feel seen and valued. The audience becomes more focused, leading to deeper engagement and better outcomes for everyone involved.
6. The Boundaries in Friendships
Someone notices they’ve outgrown certain friendships while focusing on personal growth. They approach it directly: “I value our memories, but I’m in a different place now and need to prioritize new goals. I hope you’ll understand.”
Result: Some friends naturally drift away, while others adjust to the new dynamic and remain supportive. By being honest instead of ghosting, the person fosters respect—even with those who choose to step back.
Why These Examples Matter
Each scenario demonstrates alienation as a byproduct of clarity, not hostility or rejection. Here’s what unites them:
Direct, Transparent Communication: Honest upfront messaging reduces confusion and resentment.
Respect for the Other Person’s Choice: Students, clients, or friends can disengage gracefully without drama.
Acknowledging Differences Without Judgment: No one is labeled “wrong”—they simply follow what aligns with them.
Attracting the Right People: Specificity creates a natural magnetism for those who truly resonate with the message.
By embracing clarity—and understanding that alienation is often the natural cost of alignment—you create more authentic connections with the people who matter most. That’s the essence of thoughtful alienation.
Yes, I’m Still Figuring It Out
This might sound strange coming from me—a self-described chaos-maker and provocateur. I mean, I once charged $5 for people to like my Instagram posts while posting videos of myself vacuuming and yelling at followers to get the fuck out. Yes, that alienated some folks. Subtlety hasn’t always been my strong suit.
But over time, I’ve learned something important: alienation doesn’t have to be loud, bombastic, or mean-spirited. It can be handled with nuance, with respect—even with care.
Because if alienation is inevitable, the real question isn’t, “How do I avoid alienating people?” It’s, “How do I alienate thoughtfully—so I can create deeper resonance with the right people?”
And here’s the truth: even when you’re intentional, even when you’re doing it right, alienating people can still sting. There’s an emotional weight to knowing someone’s opted out—even when you know it’s because they’re simply not aligned with what you stand for.
Turning Fear Into Resonance
Alienation is often seen as the enemy—something to avoid at all costs. But if your fear of alienation is holding you back, remember: it’s not a failure—it’s a filter. When people walk away, it doesn’t mean you’ve messed up; it means your work is clear and specific enough to deeply resonate with the right people.
Ask Yourself: Which type of alienation am I creating—unintentional, thoughtful, or performative?
Try This: Write down three types of people your work is not for, and reflect on how that clarity sharpens your message.
When you embrace thoughtful alienation, you stop trying to keep everyone happy and start focusing on the people who truly belong in your orbit. And that’s where the magic happens.
Have you ever hesitated to take a stand, worried you’d push people away? What’s one way thoughtful alienation could make that easier? Hit reply or leave a comment—I’d love to hear your thoughts.