fix it or close yourself back up

I went to my third appointment with a new therapist. I don’t know what to make of it yet. But it seems like I’m on the right track. Or, at least, A track. Something is happening. I think. Or maybe I just am hoping something is happening. I still don’t feel anything like myself, but at least I’m not crying all fucking day. That’s gotta be a good thing, right?

At the end of the session, as we were wrapping up, she asked me:

“ok Ryan, let’s just do a little check-in. How are you feeling overall?”

I was reminded of this scene in the show “Billions.” The protagonist, Bobby Axelrod — Axe — is a hedge fund guy. He’s managing, well, billions in assets. And he’s doing a bunch of shady shit to accrue more wealth and power. There’s a woman in his office — a performance coach therapist type — she’s on the staff to help the employees stay sharp and on top of their game. Her name is Wendy. She also happens to be married to the US Attorney who’s obsessed with taking her boss down. 

Anyway, in this scene, Bobby was in session with Wendy because he’d made a huge mistake — which he doesn’t do — and it cost the company something like a billion dollars.

He wanted to figure out why he made the mistake. Axe doesn’t make mistakes — not like this.

He told her about a bunch of dark shit he’d been doing. It was intense. And right near the end of their session, Wendy stopped him and said:

“This is how you manifest guilt. If you didn’t have it, you wouldn’t have lost the money, you wouldn’t be punishing yourself. But, it is a crucial time. Your switch plate is removed, your wiring is exposed. Your blue ones go where your red ones should, that’s for sure. […] You are practiced at turning off your feelings. Do it enough, it’s a pattern. Keep going, they die. So it’s either fix it — or close yourself back up and see what happens.”

Hell of a sentiment. Seemed to describe my situation perfectly. 

The last few months have been rough — the last few weeks even more so…  but I feel like something is happening. It’s hard to describe exactly, but I get the sense that Axe and I are in a similar spot. (I’m just short a few billion).

It feels like a crucial time for me too. My switch plate is removed. My wiring is exposed. Blue wires are plugged in where red ones should go.

I, too, am practiced at turning off my feelings.

So every day, I’m trying to make the decision:

Do I want to fix it? Can it even be fixed? Or do I want to close myself back up and see what happens?

I sure would love to just close myself back up. I bet I’d feel better damn near immediately.

I’d love to reactivate my instagram and get back to business. It would feel so good to open that damn app, and yell into my camera about shit that is pissing me off. 

Fuck that sounds good.

But I won’t. Not yet.

Later.