I’ve sent an email every day for about 10 days. I almost let myself off the hook today because writing did not go as well as I would’ve liked. I’m pretty sure I know why. Listen to find out.
I mean, if you feel like you’re gonna go off the rails again, slow down. But otherwise I think your superpower IS your vulnerability. Therapy is great and important but I think you know the answer within.
Thanks bruh. I appreciate that. I have a few close friends and people I talk to every day to keep me even… so I’m not super concerned about going off the rails again. But it’s good to reminded outside of that sphere. I’m glad you’re still here man.
I really relate to this a lot. Good on ya for getting something out today. I love the vulnerable posts you share but people will - it’s entertaining and makes you feel more. In this, not sure I am well placed to advise it to be the path to keep sharing personal stuff. It has to be about how doing so makes you feel. Maybe you should keep a list every day of how what you put out made you feel. Just a couple of words. You would notice patterns then in type of content and how it impacts how you move through your day. I think the danger for me is how much weight I give the personal shares - the response becomes something that I feel more viscerally than in my mind. In that, you can (I can) end up checking in on who has replied etc. more often and that crap can end up being bad for your mental health for sure.
The way my own therapist got me to work with this was to draw I diagram. She made it a kinda pond or something (I changed it to the three layers of human skin). In her water version, she got me to write what sat at the top of the water from my personal life. What I could talk or write about without hitting any uncomfortable. Still personal but just easy. I guess stuff I don’t have so many hang ups in but stuff that takes a bit more creativity to make interesting. Then came a kinda murky in-between layer. Stuff I might share when teaching on a workshop, or in a longer newsletter piece, or with a friend (and there are sub-layers here) where I need to be mindful of my boundaries. This is where a lot of interesting stuff sits but I have to think more about what my edges are. Then, at the bottom, is a load of black tarry shit that is the preserve of therapy and maybe one or two close friends.
I revisit this exercise every now and then. Helps me.
Sorry I have been off the radar for the last week. I feel sometimes as if I am living a parallel emotional reality to you. Mental health plummet and was being massively avoidant. Thanks for sharing a part of my thing in your email!
I don’t know if I will do substack. I’m in the last couple of months of a masters degree and hoping to start a PhD right after if they’ll have me so I’m writing a lot. Reading even more. I don’t know what I have to say right now but I am enjoying you figuring it out as it helps me to think about if I want to publish anything right now and what, if I did, it might do to my head.
this is super fucking cool. excellent suggestions. thanks SJ.
totally relate to the weight you give to the personal shares and the visceral feelings they engender. i'm about as certain as I can be that I was/am completely addicted to this last year.
and I love the layered diagram idea 🥰 I haven't yet tried to sketch it, but even just thinking about it, I can already tell I have no fucking idea what would remain in the tarry shit. I get the sense that whatever I'd put there would also be super compelling for me to put out there publicly -- and i'd bet those are the very things my therapist was calling my attention to as what should [probably] remain private - at least for now.
v cool stuff. v much appreciated.
when are you going to start your substack? is that still a thing you're thinking about? let me know if you ever feel up for talking about stuff. no agenda or anything.
You made a commitment to yourself and you recognized what it felt like to almost (cause you sent this out) disappoint yourself. That’s self awareness and reflection, and it shows you want to do things to help yourself stay the path, whatever that is business sharing/personal sharing.
I applaud you, it’s a huge step forward.
I don’t know a whole lot about business but I know what I tell my kids… if it feels like it’s right for you pursue it, if it feels like something is off - take a step back and reflect on it, if it is isn’t you - be confident in saying no to create your boundaries.
I appreciate the share, the human side of things connect us in a totally different way. Good luck.
Hi Elena. Good to hear from you. I appreciate this message a lot - and that you took the time to listen.
I talked to a friend last night after I sent this and she said many of the same things. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel after I sent -- I didn't necessarily want to send something just to send it, but I ended up feeling much, much better and I"m glad I went ahead and did it.
Sounds like your kids are going to turn out alright for themselves.
Keep your commitments even when it's a shitty workout day, you do the thing. Building rapport is a big part success, and vulnerability makes you human. Ish
I get the impulse to over-share / be super vulnerable / discuss gnarly personal shit. Usually I don't write the thing / make the video. Sometimes, that impulse veels genuine and a real kind of 'sharing'. Those posts / videos engender real connection. Other times, it feels like it's coming from me trying to prove to myself that this problem / traumatic event / break-up / difficult thing isn't actually that tough. Which people can smell. And it ends up feeling dishonest because I'm fronting like I have this thing figured out, when I really am just telegraphing my own discomfort with a veneer of confidence.
dude 100%. I get you completely. The night before, even though I'd already sent an email earlier that day, I was considering hitting another one. It wasn't necessarily a vulnerable thing, but I could definitely feel that feeling I used to feel on instagram... where I just didn't like that I felt nothing, and all I really was looking for was for people to validate me and tell i'm awesome. Not good.
I'm glad you're getting this shit figured out. Good insight. Thanks for sharing. And for being here.
Whats wrong with enjoying people enjoying you? the general rule is dont get too excited when people like you, and dont get too excited when they dont. Opinions for most are passing, and change like the wind, and easy to change if you understand the underlying impulses that make them send an approval or disapproval. The key is to be like a jazz musician, playing with approval and disaproval without giving it much internal meaning, and part of that is enjoying a bit when they like, and simultaneously enjoying a bit when they dont like you. but if you get anything stronger than enjoying a bit, it hit something deeper in you, which warrants further investigation. My teacher called these "triggers" treasure boxes. Some days we are willing to open the treasure box, other days, not so much.
Fair question. And very good points. I think I used to play this jazz you speak of like a true fucking master - or, at least, like a damned good session player... but then I lost sight of the music.
I am 100% with you though and I want to get back to a better place with it... hopefully playing better than i've ever played before.
I mean, if you feel like you’re gonna go off the rails again, slow down. But otherwise I think your superpower IS your vulnerability. Therapy is great and important but I think you know the answer within.
Thanks bruh. I appreciate that. I have a few close friends and people I talk to every day to keep me even… so I’m not super concerned about going off the rails again. But it’s good to reminded outside of that sphere. I’m glad you’re still here man.
I really relate to this a lot. Good on ya for getting something out today. I love the vulnerable posts you share but people will - it’s entertaining and makes you feel more. In this, not sure I am well placed to advise it to be the path to keep sharing personal stuff. It has to be about how doing so makes you feel. Maybe you should keep a list every day of how what you put out made you feel. Just a couple of words. You would notice patterns then in type of content and how it impacts how you move through your day. I think the danger for me is how much weight I give the personal shares - the response becomes something that I feel more viscerally than in my mind. In that, you can (I can) end up checking in on who has replied etc. more often and that crap can end up being bad for your mental health for sure.
The way my own therapist got me to work with this was to draw I diagram. She made it a kinda pond or something (I changed it to the three layers of human skin). In her water version, she got me to write what sat at the top of the water from my personal life. What I could talk or write about without hitting any uncomfortable. Still personal but just easy. I guess stuff I don’t have so many hang ups in but stuff that takes a bit more creativity to make interesting. Then came a kinda murky in-between layer. Stuff I might share when teaching on a workshop, or in a longer newsletter piece, or with a friend (and there are sub-layers here) where I need to be mindful of my boundaries. This is where a lot of interesting stuff sits but I have to think more about what my edges are. Then, at the bottom, is a load of black tarry shit that is the preserve of therapy and maybe one or two close friends.
I revisit this exercise every now and then. Helps me.
Loving your stuff Ryan. Keep it up. ✨
Also, i'm not 100% sure yet... but I might include a little bit of your comment in a post/email -- unless you stop me first. ☺️
Hey Ryan
Sorry I have been off the radar for the last week. I feel sometimes as if I am living a parallel emotional reality to you. Mental health plummet and was being massively avoidant. Thanks for sharing a part of my thing in your email!
I don’t know if I will do substack. I’m in the last couple of months of a masters degree and hoping to start a PhD right after if they’ll have me so I’m writing a lot. Reading even more. I don’t know what I have to say right now but I am enjoying you figuring it out as it helps me to think about if I want to publish anything right now and what, if I did, it might do to my head.
Keep at it. I’m reading! X
this is super fucking cool. excellent suggestions. thanks SJ.
totally relate to the weight you give to the personal shares and the visceral feelings they engender. i'm about as certain as I can be that I was/am completely addicted to this last year.
and I love the layered diagram idea 🥰 I haven't yet tried to sketch it, but even just thinking about it, I can already tell I have no fucking idea what would remain in the tarry shit. I get the sense that whatever I'd put there would also be super compelling for me to put out there publicly -- and i'd bet those are the very things my therapist was calling my attention to as what should [probably] remain private - at least for now.
v cool stuff. v much appreciated.
when are you going to start your substack? is that still a thing you're thinking about? let me know if you ever feel up for talking about stuff. no agenda or anything.
You made a commitment to yourself and you recognized what it felt like to almost (cause you sent this out) disappoint yourself. That’s self awareness and reflection, and it shows you want to do things to help yourself stay the path, whatever that is business sharing/personal sharing.
I applaud you, it’s a huge step forward.
I don’t know a whole lot about business but I know what I tell my kids… if it feels like it’s right for you pursue it, if it feels like something is off - take a step back and reflect on it, if it is isn’t you - be confident in saying no to create your boundaries.
I appreciate the share, the human side of things connect us in a totally different way. Good luck.
Hi Elena. Good to hear from you. I appreciate this message a lot - and that you took the time to listen.
I talked to a friend last night after I sent this and she said many of the same things. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel after I sent -- I didn't necessarily want to send something just to send it, but I ended up feeling much, much better and I"m glad I went ahead and did it.
Sounds like your kids are going to turn out alright for themselves.
Keep your commitments even when it's a shitty workout day, you do the thing. Building rapport is a big part success, and vulnerability makes you human. Ish
Fuckin A, Rae. I agree with everything you just said. I am on it. (thanks)
I get the impulse to over-share / be super vulnerable / discuss gnarly personal shit. Usually I don't write the thing / make the video. Sometimes, that impulse veels genuine and a real kind of 'sharing'. Those posts / videos engender real connection. Other times, it feels like it's coming from me trying to prove to myself that this problem / traumatic event / break-up / difficult thing isn't actually that tough. Which people can smell. And it ends up feeling dishonest because I'm fronting like I have this thing figured out, when I really am just telegraphing my own discomfort with a veneer of confidence.
dude 100%. I get you completely. The night before, even though I'd already sent an email earlier that day, I was considering hitting another one. It wasn't necessarily a vulnerable thing, but I could definitely feel that feeling I used to feel on instagram... where I just didn't like that I felt nothing, and all I really was looking for was for people to validate me and tell i'm awesome. Not good.
I'm glad you're getting this shit figured out. Good insight. Thanks for sharing. And for being here.
Whats wrong with enjoying people enjoying you? the general rule is dont get too excited when people like you, and dont get too excited when they dont. Opinions for most are passing, and change like the wind, and easy to change if you understand the underlying impulses that make them send an approval or disapproval. The key is to be like a jazz musician, playing with approval and disaproval without giving it much internal meaning, and part of that is enjoying a bit when they like, and simultaneously enjoying a bit when they dont like you. but if you get anything stronger than enjoying a bit, it hit something deeper in you, which warrants further investigation. My teacher called these "triggers" treasure boxes. Some days we are willing to open the treasure box, other days, not so much.
Excuse my typos.
Fair question. And very good points. I think I used to play this jazz you speak of like a true fucking master - or, at least, like a damned good session player... but then I lost sight of the music.
I am 100% with you though and I want to get back to a better place with it... hopefully playing better than i've ever played before.
Thanks, Rae. Super cool insight.