why tho?

I asked my therapist “why should I keep doing this? Why should I keep walking around feeling sad and alone and empty all day? Why should I keep spending this money and driving fucking hours to get to your office? I know how to make myself feel better.”

I know how to pump myself full of adrenaline. I know how to generate other feelings. I know how to not feel sad. I’m a master at not feeling sad… I just replace it with anger. And grandiosity. I’m Yoga Sex Rock God, for fucks sake.

 She said:

“Ryan. I don’t think you could. You can try, but I don’t think you will be able to do that. You’ve seen too much. You know too much. If you try to do what you were doing, it won’t feel good. You will know. It will feel bad.”

Fuck. 

I know she’s right.

I knew the answer. She wasn’t the first person to tell me that.

She followed that up by telling me that I look different than I do since we first met a few weeks ago. More color in my face, more energy, more vibrancy.

I believed her. Something is different.

I know that I can’t go back to doing what I was doing before. I wasn’t even asking because I want to. I don’t want to. 

I’ve been using social media for fucking years to make myself feel. Or not feel. I’m not sure. But whatever the case, that’s been my primary motivation. 

I used to use it to run a business — to get clients, to teach, to “create value.” 

But I lost sight of that. 

Something changed in the last few years… my work became less important to me than the character — less important than the story.

Last year, starting in about March, I took it to a whole new level. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), I can’t link you to some of that content because the account is turned off. 

I might turn it back on eventually. If only to look back at some of that stuff — to see my eyes — to hear my voice.

But for now, I’ll leave it off. I’ll keep feeling sad and shit.

I like my writing better now anyway.

My plan today was to create some fucking “value content” — to share some sweet marketing insight, but meh. 

Maybe another day. 

Thanks for reading. And for being involved. Your email replies and comments help me a lot.