wtf is going on with this guy?

My hypothesis as of right now is that I didn’t grieve the end of my last relationship — like, at all. Some of my readers know her — Kassidy. We were together for almost 5 years — not only as romantic partners, but as business partners — and creative/collaborative partners. We spent all day, every day together — through the pandemic and beyond. We built a lot of really fucking amazing shit.

When it ended, I didn’t let myself deal with it. I couldn’t look at it. I didn’t just lose my girl — I lost my fucking muse.

So what did I do? 

I went straight into acting like an absolute fucking savage on instagram. I’d always been pretty extreme, but this was BEYOND. I started talking and talking and talking. And yelling. And telling stories.

I started charging people to like my posts and blocking thousands of people who tested me. Not just random Followers — but friends and clients.

I took an extended trip to the other side of the world. I broke down. I treated people like shit. I yelled. I hurt at least one person who’s very, very, very important to me. Multiple times. (If she’s reading this, I hope you can forgive me some day)

I lost clients. I scared people. I confused people.

I didn’t let myself cry. I didn’t let myself feel anything. I just lashed out. Some days, I was posting 20, 30, upwards of 40 damn times. 

About the most random shit. Parenting, addiction, relationship advice (😂), fitness. I did a fucking rhetorical analysis of a god damn erotic novel, ffs.

At one point, one of my best friends, Amanda succumbed to cancer. That sucked. You may have seen me posting dozens of her twerking videos. 

It wasn’t all bad. 

At least, not for viewers… they got a motherfucking show.

And for me, I had a bunch of ideas that I was and still am really proud of. (the idea generating power of syntax [but, because, so], cognitive load theory, rhetorically reading erotic novels, etc).

I did this podcast with one of my heroes, Carl Paoli. I’m pretty sure it’s the thing I’m most proud of. (The Freestyle Way, episode #69. “Writing & Learning Out Loud”)

But I did burn my consulting business to the fucking ground.

Some of my favorite clients messaged me to tell me they can’t work with me anymore because of the way I’d been behaving.

I can’t blame them. 

Anyway. 

It sucks it took so long for me to realize what was happening. But I suppose that was what was supposed to happen… at least if you believe all that “Universe” shit.

I’m grappling with how much of this personal shit I want to write & share versus the “business & marketing” ideas that are a part of me.

I have a sense that I’m on my way to doing the best work I’ve ever done. I don’t know when it’s going to come out, but maybe it already is.

Thanks for reading.